| captains log. |
[Apr. 30th, 2009|10:45 am] |
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Ive been looking for apartments, its an arduous task. I can't wait for this semester to be over. girls suck. The end. |
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| Sunday boredom. |
[Apr. 26th, 2009|01:42 pm] |
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Got nothing to do lately. No one to hangout with. I'm still trying to move out. Apartments are a bitch. Buying condos are too. Pretty much no love life and I don't care, I've become more misogynistic with each disappointment. Ive contemplated talking to Brittany again but I don't think shell be the same friendly person a few years ago. I feel like shes probably changed in a way that I wouldn't like. Not that I would try to get back with her, that'd just be stupid (although I don't completely rule out that idea, I'm pathetic). I just want someone to talk to and she understood me best. Whatever I'll manage. Ive contemplated this different degree they offer at UCSD thats called icam which basically is a major in music, minor in engineering. I'd have to take more math but whatever. I don't know what else to say, I am just killing time. Toodles. |
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| Killing more time. |
[Apr. 17th, 2009|10:18 am] |
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Im at work right now, just got here and theres nothing really to do. Im here for the next hour and 40 minutes so yea not much to do at all. Sure I have my busy work, but that takes like 20 minute, probably less. Not much new in my life. The Kristen girl most likely wont work out now. She decided she's moving to Santa Barbara because she has more friends there. I have a feeling its not going to be as glamorous as she hopes it to be. Whatever, anyways I might be moving soon also. Down to San Diego most likely. I have pretty much been set on the track to UCSD, I just have to keep my grades up. Im glad I am moving out. My house is so crowded now, all five people in my family have moved back into my house, plus my nephew. I wake up to him crying every morning, I don't even need an alarm anymore heh. I guess the good thing about him crying every morning is that I finally got a sleeping routine down. I go to bed at 12 now ha. Its kinda too bad though, I really enjoyed having my sleep in the morning but whatever, I give up on striving for it now ha. Even my current band project has me jamming in the morning. Yea thats right I got yet a new band going. It's with some of the corona kids again. Jarrid, the frontman in all this, is soooo psyched on this music and I'm like meh. He talks of grandeur all the time, like were going to blow up so fast with all the "connections" and what not. I don't really care about that stuff anymore, for the most part I am just glad I am playing guitar again. I have a feeling I won't stay long in this band though, since I'm planning to move and what not in the opposite direction of where they live. One thing thats going to suck is finding a roomate. bleeeeh. Thats all for now, toodles. |
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| Bored at Work. |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|10:59 am] |
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Yes I am still working at Saludos Hispanos. I think its been about 7 or 8 months since I started working here. Thats a record for me sadly. This Saturday is a show, I hope it goes well. There is supposedly going to be at least like 100 or 200 kids coming, but I really don't believe it, I'll need to see it to believe it. I've never had a show with above like 60 kids just cause I have been playing disappointing shows all my life heh. Im at work still so I gotta get back to it, toodles for now. |
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| Got 15 minutes to kill. |
[Mar. 25th, 2009|11:15 am] |
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Im at school killing time so I figured I'd give a small update on my life. Not much to tell though. I started playing bass for a band called Love is Arson. Its a sappy piano-rock band and no one outside the band likes the singer because they all want a high pitched singer but I accept him. I don't really care if it goes places or not, its something to do. I've been dating around a bit nothing too serious. Not that I am opposed to commitment, these girls just suck at life. I have however caught the yellow fever in this girl named kristen. Shes reaaaally cute and actually has love in her heart and believes in a higher power which is a rare quality in any girl around these parts. Plus shes a nerd like me so that helps quite a bit. Shes also like 2 or 3 years older than me so that might explain why girls my age suck and she doesnt. =P Hopefully things shall progress well without any little games or stupidities. I havnt been doing as well in school, specifically in theory which is bad. I think I am going to find a different school with a different theory curriculum cause the one at Mira Costa is just wayyy flawed and I am not learning anything. Any who I best be getting to class now. Ill update later. Toodles. |
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| Babababored |
[Feb. 3rd, 2009|11:47 pm] |
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Hello I decided to make a post mostly because I'm bored.....hence the title. I started playing world of warcraft again a bit. Although I don't play religiously like I used to. As a matter of fact today was the first time in like a month that I've played. It's only on a night like this that I am bored because I don't have homework tonight. Tomorrow I'll be gone all day because I have guitar orchestra tomorrow at 6:30 after math. It's the first time I'm going so I hope it goes well. So far the all day school on Monday and Wednesday has been going alright. Its actually the work at my job that makes me feel like bleh just because I gotta wake up early all the time and I am only making like 60 bucks a check now. At this rate I'll never get my cello. By the way I got a letter in the mail saying I was on the presidents list for my grades last semester. I guess that's like honor roll at college lolz..... In other news I've kinda gotten over my wanting to be thin. Maybe sometime in the future I'll start going again but so far thanks to my gender studies class I've just learned to love my body with confidence as gay as that sounds. On top of that I just don't feel like trying to impress women with physical features. That conveys the wrong ideals from the start. Besides my mom never ever EVER cooks anymore so I'm mostly on my own for food which usually comes in the form of fast food. On another note I miss playing music, I want to play again sooooo bad, the only problem is no one has the same ideals. Oh well, I got nothing else to say for now, toodles. |
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| sleepless mornings. |
[Jan. 25th, 2009|09:00 am] |
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Well I felt that I should update this since I've neglected it quite a bit. The only problem is there is not much thats interesting to talk about. I started my 4th semester at Mira Costa College. Its going to be the most enduring semester yet. My schedule consists of mondays and wednesdays all day. My classes are music theory, english, gender studies in communication, Algebra, guitar orchestra, and musicianship online. I hope I can get through it all okay. The only one I really think I'll have a lot of work in is English. The rest won't be so bad. I haven't played in a band recreationally for quite some time. I kinda wish I was but then I remember the crappy annoying parts of being in a band too so thats what keeps me from playing. I wouldn't know what to play either because my brother pretty much stole my guitar and all my equipment. Oh well, he is making better use of it than me. I still need to buy a cello and start learning. I think I might rent one first and see how that goes. I also randomly want to play the lute? I just think it would kinda neat to play such an ancient and forgotten instrument. Anyways I haven't met any new girls in these classes yet, but its not really a loss. It kinda sucks because my respect for women has deteriorated like how it used to be back in high school. It's like I try to hold on to my respect for them but they just keep disappointing me. They always turn out to have this love complex where because the last guy fucked up they can never let their hearts open up again and they immediately shut anyone out who tries to enter. You'd think thats understandable until you see them open up to a guy who looks very attractive. As soon as that happens, then suddenly the complex is gone and she thinks she's found someone again. Too bad that guy usually has the same mindset as the previous guy and the drama and heartbreak ensues and repeats. Shows her true colors which can be as disgusting as the guys. I'm sure that if a woman saw this they'd see me as despicable as any other guy, but she can blame her gender for giving this mindset to me since like middle school. Please someone convince me otherwise. I thought Brittany would, but we all know how that story ends. Speaking of her, I always get these anxiety thoughts about her in the morning. Nothing crazy, just recapping about what she did and what she is up to. I sometimes get the urge to talk to her again but then I convince myself that nothing good would come of it, just more hurt feelings. Anyways this stuff only happens in the morning randomly, I usually forget about it once I actually get up and start doing my activities for the day. Another thing thats new is my brother moved back home. He failed one of his classes so thats why my parents made him come back. I worry about his future a lot. Others as well because you usually can't get a good job without any sort of degree. However I also blame colleges for this. Very expensive and I can see why someone wouldn't want to go. However I endure. I can't wait until I transfer to my real college. Specially if I go to UCSD with their new music buildings. That would be amazing. I hope to be a good cello player by then so I can play for their orchestra. I've figured that playing in an orchestra would be a cool job to have too but is probably unlikely because being in an orchestra for a living is a rare opportunity. Still, I gotta try. Thats all I got to say for now. Toodles. |
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| what a pile of meh. |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|07:35 pm] |
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So I have not made an update on this thing in quite some time. A month or two I believe. Not much has happened for the most part. Its a new year now, even though it just seems like another day for me. I cut off all connection with Brittany once and for all. I did this for a few reasons that I don't feel like going into (lest to conjure up faded emotions). So far its worked out pretty well, although I still get the reoccurring feelings of missing her when faced with familiar locations and activities that we did together. However that takes up about 10% of my emotions nowadays. The rest is all peachy-keen. I passed all my classes for the fall with flying colors, all As except for my bio class. He was a hard teacher to deal with but I somehow managed to come out with a B. It baffles me how I got a B though, I was so sure I was destined for a C in that class. Oh well I'm not complaining. =) What kind of sucks about being single and looking now is that my old tendencies seem so easy now and I really dont want to fall into them again. I've been talking to girls and what not but none of them really tickle my fancy. I don't find myself wanting to just talk to them so I guess its safe to say I am just attracted to their physical features. Oh well, I hope I can find someone truly compatible. The funny thing is I've talked to one girl who had toooons of stuff in common with me, but I got annoyed at her and stopped talking to her after a week. In which I've completely learned that its better to have someone emotionally and intellectually compatible than to have someone with concrete commonalities. With the exception of that girl, there's very few people that have things in common with me that are real and concrete. So whatever. Today I went to UCSD to check out the music department. The programs good, but the actual department is rather ghetto. Its alllll underground with graffiti everywhere. Well next time I shall take a legitimate visit to UCR to see how that turns out. Thats all I can think of now, dinners ready. Toodles. |
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| Lolz suxors |
[Nov. 9th, 2008|10:00 am] |
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So I keep having dreams with Brittany in them, and it pretty much sucks. However I get over them quicker because in the dream shes a sweet loving and affectionate girl, but that doesn't exactly mirror her real persona. In reality I couldn't remember the last time she gave me a hug or a kiss or any of that stuff. It always had to be me to do that sort of stuff. Thank God for harsh reality heh. On a different note, what made me name the title of this post was my old drummers new band. Basically they had all this hype up for them and then last night they released their new song......and its a song that we wrote back when Astraya Falls was alive. How lame is that? My friend omar (who was the bassist for Astraya Falls) made a funny statement, "I waited a month to hear shit I already knew, gaysauce". I'm not so mad that they stole parts from an old song. Im more disappointed because they werent creative enough to write their own shit that they had to steal someone else's. Plus the original song was a crappy song as it was and they basically didn't do anything to make it better. They did just the opposite and made it crappier. On top of that, they spent over a grand for their recording because "they want it all to be legit". Mega-Lolz. Its too bad for them. Even though they may get attention from fans a bit, they'll know they lost the respect of anyone associated with Astraya Falls, which includes me. Thats all for now, toodles. |
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| Boredom at the office. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|10:32 am] |
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Yea pretty much. Elections are tomorrow I think. Obama will probably win, but I am not too worried. This is because either hell get assassinated, or he will do such a shitty job that he will be impeached or something. Still I can't believe how much support he has. He is just too fictional for me. Anyways I pretty much found out that getting my AA and transferring takes a shit load longer to achieve than in 2 years so I'm pretty sure I am just going to work on getting the classes I need to transfer. I also might move near school depending on where I decide to continue my transfer classes at. Another little weird thing that I have noticed is that I hardly listen to any of the rock bands that I used to anymore. When I am by myself I am usually listening to film and video game scores. I also feel like I have lost track of the enjoyment of creating music. I don't ever pick up my guitar anymore and I find myself playing piano just when I am bored during class. I was thinking of taking up a different orchestral instrument to play. I have a shitty violin but violin is like the electric guitar of the orchestral world. So I think I would like to take up cello though, for whatever reason I just love the sound of the cello more than anything. The problem with that is there are no cello teachers around here -_-. However I am wondering if I know violin then I would learn cello pretty easily. Since there are violin instructors out there then it might be possible. I'll look into it more. Thats all I got to say for now, I best be getting back to work, toodles. |
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| In regards |
[Oct. 31st, 2008|10:11 am] |
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to my last bulletin I for the most part was just having a shitty morning with a bad dream, I feel better and collected now. I went to go workout to take my mind off it all which did help. Anyways today is Halloween, and I have the best solid snake costume ever. I even grew a beard for it. I'm supposed to be going to my brothers house to have another costume shindig. I doubt it will be as good as last weeks but it'll still be fun. Going up there is my little piece of sanctuary I have left among my repetitive schedule of work, school, and gym everyday. My mom suggested moving out next semester. Not that she's trying to kick me out, but she knows how I hate driving everyday for long distances. Apparently getting my AA and transferring was a dumb fucking idea so I might as well since I still need tons of units to transfer. Still have not decided on what school to go to. Still need to visit, but I need my parents there as well and they never get around to it. The lame part about moving though is that I would need to quit my job and find a new one, fjofosgfgd. It sucks because I have only been working here since August and I hate job hunting, specially since the shit economy will make it 10 times harder for me to find a new job. I also kind of have a fear of moving out. Not to say that I would live with my parents forever, but everyone I know that has moved out recently are having the hardest time just trying to stay alive. My friend Bert just moved out recently and now he's most likely not going to college or anything. Although the difference between me and him are that he deals weed and his parents don't give a flying fuck about him. Pretty brutal. Anyways thats all I have to say for now and I should get some work done (I am writing this from my work computer lol) so toodles. |
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| nkdlsfkagnd |
[Oct. 28th, 2008|07:36 am] |
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Just when I thought I could get over Brittany I have this dream that I just awoke from where it gets my heart pounding for her again. Blah I hate this. I don't want to have feelings for her anymore. The Brittany in real life isn't the same Brittany from my dream either so why do I feel this way? I am trying to remember how lame she has become. We can't even hold a good conversation anymore. Its more of an awkward small talk conversation. There hasn't been a time where she doesn't somehow mention the new guy she likes to me too, which doesn't help in any way. I wouldn't put it past her if she's been liking this guy well before we broke up. I don't think she is trying to be mean in bringing him up though. I think she has just been over me for so long that she doesn't really acknowledge me as still being heartbroken over her. Blah I need to stop. |
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| Its hard to cope. |
[Oct. 12th, 2008|02:05 pm] |
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When the one person you could open up to hurts you the most. |
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| Significant Changes. |
[Oct. 9th, 2008|11:06 am] |
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There has indeed been some significant changes in my life. The biggest being that Brittany broke up with me. I don't feel like getting into the details about it but just know that there were a lot of things wrong with our relationship and no real good communication. I'm not a fan of being single anymore though. I workout to try and get sexy again but I have not been having the results I want for the most part after going for a month. For the most part there isn't much opportunity for me to meet new girls (or friends in general) with my schedule. I work in an office with just my boss and my school isn't that great for socializing, which is probably because everyones there to study and then transfer to who knows where. Oh well, if all else fails and in like 5-10 I'm still single then I'll get a mail order bride from Ukraine and cut out the middle man lol. Anyways last night I picked up my guitar after months of neglect. Not surprised there's still no good creative juices coming out of it. I have gotten better at piano though which I like better. I wish I had a real piano still, I used to have one when i was a kid but that was when I was young and stupid. I wish I could play piano in a band though. That would give me something to look forward to. Too bad I've exhausted my resources of finding good people to play with. I probably wouldn't care what genre it was as long as it was high energy and sounded good. Plus having bands basically makes you a social butterfly and thats something that would really help right now since there is almost no one to hang out with in Temecula anymore. I could hang with Bert, but his social life consists of just smoking weed and going to random parties. I hate going to random peoples parties that I don't know. So for the most part I spend my free time playing video games, usually with Jonno. He could possibly move in with me and my parents when he comes back until he gets a good job opportunity. Pretty much that will be the best thing ever if he does. Anyways thats all I can think about thats on my mind. Until next time. |
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| So I just ate at the new Bob's Big Boy.. |
[Aug. 13th, 2008|08:08 pm] |
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and my opinion on the restaurant is that people go there to remind themselves to go to In-N-Out instead. That or for older folks to have a glimpse into "the olden days". The menu in general didn't cater to those who wanted to watch their weight. Not that I am one of those kind of people (although the stretch marks on my sides make me wish I was). The food in general was okay, nothing special, I would've rather gone to Red Robin, and I would've rather gone to Red Robin with Brittany than my parents. Brittany's been away on a cruise with her mother in Alaska, it'll be until this weekend that I hopefully will see her again. I say hopefully because as soon as she gets home she has to pick up her car from northern California -_-. I hope we'll have at least a day or two of having fun together one last time before school starts. So along with her being gone, my brother is off in New Hampshire visiting Jonno for a week. It kinda sucks because when he isn't around, neither are sam, brandon and kevin. Sure they're my friends too but they wouldn't come over just to hang with me. I'm just not cool enough for them. Sucks because I value them as my closest friends. So here I am being bored with my parents. I have a new job now although I hold it in the highest regard. I'm basically a receptionist (a girls job) for an old man who can't even turn on his own computer. All I can do is endure though since he's paying me. I need money for a new xbox 360 and some new games coming out next month. I could also use that money to finally buy a new second guitar. I don't have any band projects in the making, although I would like one right now to keep me busy. Blah so bored, I'll probably be making more entries of me babbling on like this for the rest of the week since I have relatively little to do. Till next time. |
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| I get annoyed with everyone, even myself. |
[Jul. 25th, 2008|05:28 pm] |
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This statement is true. I think I've become wayyyy too cynical with everything. I just don't get it. I find myself constantly finding the negativities in all things and people. I even started a list of all the things that grind my gears that was supposed to be a journal entry (I've yet to finish it because the list goes on). I'm going to try and start taking it a little more easy with these feelings. I'm just tired of constantly being annoyed. I'm pretty sure these feelings of mine are the reasons I have yet to make any real friends at college and why a lot of my old friends stop hanging out with me. Granted that some of them have tendencies that would annoy anyone, real friendships are sticking together through thick and thin. I hope this brooding will stop sooner than later because by the time school starts, my brother will have moved out of the house leaving me extra lonely. Not that I am "emo" lonely because I have Brittany, I just need guy friends to hangout with too sometimes. Despite people like Sam, Kevin, and Brandon hanging out a lot at my house. My cynical behavior has even distanced me from them as well (although its Kevin's own fault on his part for constantly flirting with my girlfriend and making jokes at my expense). I haven't even spoken to Bert in quite some time either. Since his breakup with Ashlynn he has become more of the party-person and more distant with me. I plan on giving him a call soon just to see what's up. I miss playing music with the Astraya Falls guys too. Despite the music being very unoriginal it was still fun to play. There's that and I find myself "allergic" to playing guitar. I think I have gotten worse since I haven't been playing. If I don't end up playing piano legitimately after this semester of classes then I'll be sure to sharpen my guitar skills once again. David tried to coerce me into playing music again with him and Steve. I told him I don't feel like driving down to where he lives to play. What I was really thinking was that I don't want to play with him or Steve ever again because in the past doing that only resulted me losing a guitar and my patience. Despite their so called changed ways I still don't want to bother with making music with them again. They had their chance. Anyways here I am, sitting alone while everyone else is doing something. Its a possibility for me to hang with Brittany tonight but we've been hanging out all week and my wallet and gas tank is empty so there's not much to do with that. I really need to start being friendly so I wont have this boredum/lonelyness problem anymore. |
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| Jaded |
[Jun. 9th, 2008|06:06 pm] |
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This time around I decided not to talk about Brittany, even though I have yet to see her for just about two months now. Sad yet meh, probably because the less I see her the more I get detached. Anyways my new topic to complain about is my activeness in bands. I recently tried to start up another project after Astraya Falls failed. This new one died as fast as it began. It was to be with Anthony and Kory from my older band Marry Me Sydney. Now when I decided to try this project I told Anthony that I do not want to restricted to just playing guitar. I have more talent than that. Yet after just a few weeks I found myself not being able to express myself beyond that because Anthony was not taking my ideas seriously. That coupled with the fact that Kory ALWAYS flaked on practice and that we could not find more members lead this project to die very quickly. Plus on top of that, Anthony wanted to be experimental, yet he is not even that good at guitar. In my book, experimenting is going beyond the norm and Anthony has yet to even reach the norm of guitar playing to start experimenting with it. Anthony is still living the dream of wanting to be a signed indie rock star and go on tour. I think I have mostly given up on that dream since its unrealistic to be in a financially prospering indie band. I don't want to be a musical bum after just a few years of being in a band. I know it would break up. Almost all the trendy bands do. Even one of my favorite bands, The Receiving End of Sirens, broke up recently because the bassist/singer had a baby (thats what birth control is for dipshit). I digress, I guess Anthony can keep trying to pursue that dream since he is not really doing anything else with his life. I doubt he will get very far though because he is just overall not a good guitarist. I've also grown to loathe band people who want to be different yet they use 2 guitarists as a rhythm and lead. Guitars in general are very limiting and using 2 guitarists means that the music is going to have a very guitar dominated sound. I just want to branch out more with different instruments. I am hoping to learn piano legitimately next semester at college. Piano is so much more dynamic than guitar. It can fit in pretty much any genre of music (any good genre at the least). Plus being a pianist helps me compose midi orchestrations so much easier. Overall its just a better instrument. Anyways I might start jamming with a few of the old guys from Astraya Falls again. Im hoping to play something other than guitar this time because of the statements I said above. At the very least I want to do vocals while playing guitar. Some might think that I would be hypocritical to play with them again since the music will be guitar dominated, but I disagree since I would be going into this project knowing that its not going to be "different". I know it will probably be a trendy genre that we play but I don't care. What I really enjoy about playing these trendy genres is the energy you get from playing these genres live. People know what to do at these kind of shows like dance and go crazy, meanwhile everyone sulks and just listens at an experimental indie show. Even though I am sure the other people I jam with will be playing to try and make it into the big time, I will be playing simply for the fact that I love making music, I love playing live shows, and ultimately, I am bored. The day that we get approached by some shitty label who wants to tour us but not pay for anything is the day I quit the band. Its just not worth risking your future over, even though the others fail to see that yet, but I don't blame them, they're still young. I guess I would be doing this band with them again is also because I need some friends to hangout with. Erik is moving out at the end of this summer and with Brittany busy with no end in sight, it gets rather lonely. Fellowship with band mates is something I really enjoy. We might go camping this summer so that would be fun. Thats all I have to say for now, toodles. |
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| lonely days |
[May. 26th, 2008|04:49 pm] |
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I started summer last friday, and already I am extremely bored. Not having a job not only means no money, but nothing to do either. However I still try to look for jobs. Oggi's is my next main objective as far as jobs go. This boredum will probably be gone when summer school starts. Im doing it not because i failed a class, but because i have quite a few classes i need to take in order to transfer to a different college. My boredum is also fueled by Brittany's feelings towards me. She doesn't know what our relationship is. I havnt seen her in over a month. It kills me when I don't see her. She is on my mind all the time. Everything I do reminds me of her too. I can't really eat McDonalds anymore just cause I only really enjoyed it when I was with her. I still record things on TV that I think shed enjoy even though I havnt seen her in over a month. I constantly ponder why she's like this. I wish I could do something about it but Brittany is fickle with this situation. Its times like these when those stupid love songs actually apply to me. I constantly think back on great times we had together and sweet things that we have said to each other. I would give anything for her to feel that way about me again. My feelings for her have never swayed from her. If anything its grown greatly. I don't care if she makes me mad sometimes (which usually never happens) I'd still love her. Pretty much every night that I tell her goodnight I still tell her that I love her, despite her not knowing her feelings towards me. I pray to God that shell come around again. On a different note I have been building a general plan on what I am going to do for my college life. For awhile I wasn't confident in just doing audio engineering. Everywhere I look for opportunities, I find that employers want more than just someone who can record and what not. So I figured that I would do a little more. I will get my associates/bachelors degree in Audio Recording and then get a masters in composition. It should be possible since Brittany has told me that you can get a masters in something completely different than your bachelors. I didn't think this was possible until I found out that the head of the music department at my school has a masters in composition and a bachelors in Psychology lulz. So I plan to get the masters in composition at University of Riverside. They seem to have the program that would be my cup of tea. As for my bachelors thats the tricky part. There are a few schools that are decent but I am just not sure which one. I would like to go Cogswell College in Sunnyvale but its a private college that could possibly be hard to get into. So far I feel confident to get into that school, it will just take a little bit of time and work. However going to Cogswell would mean leaving southern California behind. I would hope that brittany would at least come with me and go to a College in the area too. She probably would go to a school in San Francisco since its only 45 minutes away from Sunnyvale and she loves San Francisco. Thats the equivalent of me going to Corona so it wouldnt be a problem for me to go see her. I hope it all works out. |
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| Brittany got mad at me again. |
[May. 7th, 2008|09:43 pm] |
Brittany got mad at me today. She hasn't talked to me since this morning. I hate it when she does this. The reason she is mad is because I was supposed to take her to work today and I went to Sea World instead. Now I did not do this on purpose. I was not even aware that I was supposed to today. I knew she needed a ride yesterday but did not know today. Yet she is still angry with me after I tried to explain myself. However arguments over text is not the best way to handle them. She would probably try to pin the fact that her grandparents are not around for the week on me, but she did not tell me that I would be responsible for her transportation for things. I wish she would tell me in advance when she needs things instead of telling me on the day of the things she needs. She is also having second thoughts about going to the college she was preparing to go to. When she told me this I didn't exactly give her the response she was looking for. I really don't know what to say to that. I just wish she was actually sure about this sort of thing. Being indecisive is a girl thing so I've heard.
Despite all those things being said, I fucking love her to death. I can't live without her. She brings me the greatest happiness. She's my best friend. I want to marry her and I want to have her babies. Even though we had this fight I will do anything to keep our relationship together. I have a hard time collecting my feelings for her so I don't think she really knows how much she means to me. We can be together doing nothing but watching TV and I'll still be happy just because I'm with her. |
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| Feeling kinda helpless. |
[Apr. 2nd, 2008|10:18 pm] |
I'm here at home feeling lame. I feel helpless. Im stuck doing homework that I need help on but no one can. The only person I think could help me somewhat is Brittany, but things have been weird between us. Shes been all caught up in her own school and job. I hate it. Ive been trying so hard to get her attention again but she doesn't seem to care. The only times I do get her attention is when we go to disneyland but we haven't gone in awhile and everything else I suggest to her she doesn't want to do. On top of that Ive been spending a lot of money on her. I know I've taken advantage of her in the past but now it feels like the other way around now. She wanted me to take care of her but I wish I could get a little gratification for it. Not to mention we haven't had sex in MONTHS. Its not that big of a deal for me. I'm over being the horny teenager I used to be, but almost all good adult couples have regular sex on a basis. I hope she doesn't try and dump me to pursue her career again. Shes one of the few people I have left in my life that I truly love and care about. If I lost Brittany I would have the worst time dating around again. Hence I'm very sure Brittany is my soul mate. Anyways I'm lonely as it is. My life seriously just consists of school and soon to be work. Theres no friends around for me to hangout with anymore(other than Brittany). Even my brothers leaving Temecula at the end of summer supposedly. I don't know what I would do if I lost everyone (other than my parents). I feel like I am too different to be making close friends again. I don't want to start over letting people into my life. I could hang out with Bert but hes changed for the worst since Ashlyn broke up with him. Hes become apathetic and been living for the moment instead of looking towards the future, or at least it seems. I swear that kid doesn't realize it but hes just a lazy dumb-fuck hoping something will come along to take care of his problems. Thats the reason he never excelled at music and constantly daydreams about being something hes not. He just wishes that the bare minimum will get him by enough to get picked up by something greater(hence he wishes he was in a band with me =P). I somewhat feel the same way for Brittany on a lesser degree. Shes working towards being a dental hygienist. She wants to do it simply because it requires the least amount of schooling that pays the most money. I fear for Brittany's happiness in her career because she might not like it after awhile. Pretty much Ive hated any job that Ive had, but at least my career job would be something I'm passionate about. Speaking of which Ive been texting Jonno a lot more lately as a result of my boredom and loneliness. Pretty much he does nothing allllll day and night while hes in the navy. Its funny to think that my tax dollars at work is spent on him doing nothing all day and night. Hes supposed to clean guns in the armory but majority of the guns don't even see the light of day so he ends up not having to clean them. I miss him. I can't wait for him to come back from the navy. He is supposed to come back around this time next year. I'll be so happy for that because then I'll have a friend here in my hometown again. Well thats all I can think about ranting on about. Ill update again soon, to those who actually read this (no one).
-Andrew |
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